I have it all figured out. A love affair
lasts seven years and three months.
You're an expert?
Observation. Experience. Yeah, I'm an
You're off by six years.
One year and three months. Fifteen
months. After fifteen months, the
genitals stop humming.
You think about genitals?
No. Yes. It depends.
Where I am. Whom I'm with. What we're
doing. If I can see them. You don't
think about them unless you see them.
Now you see, that's my problem. Every
guy I see, whether on the street or in
the subway or sitting in a restaurant, or
the kid serving me a Starbucks
cappuccino, I think about their genitals,
about what they look like, what position
Are you talking about the whole package?
The whole package?
Yeah. The penis and the balls. Or are
you just talking about the balls. I
mean, I think Webster would say that the
balls are the genitals...the penis is a
just an add-on.
An add-on? You think of the penis as
simply an add-on?
It's an important add-on. But it's
technically not a genital.
I think of the package, OK. Whether the
balls hang up high or below the end of
the penis, whether they're swinging,
whether the penis is circumscised or not.
The whole package. It's a package deal,
I'm not in disagreement. Except for your
assessment of the length of a love
affair. Fifteen months?
Don't you think guys act as if they don't
have genitals? I mean after fifteen
months, they stop thinking about they're
genitals when they're with you.
Not me, Claire. Maybe you, but not me.
How can people sit around a room at the
office, trying to do business without one
reference to the several packages resting
on the chairs under the table? I mean
they're just sitting there, six packages,
that's how it was the other day in the
conference room. We're all talking about
this advertising campaign, and all I can
think about are the six sets of genitals
under the table. I look over at Judy,
and I can tell she's not thinking about
what's going n under the table. You
know, I thing they talk to each other?
Talk to each other?
Yeah, when a bunch of men are sitting
around a table with women, or without
women, it doesn't matter, there are two
conversations going on, one on top of the
table and one underneath.
You think the genitals are all talking to
I can hear them.
You are mentally ill, Claire. Fifteen
months? This is your problem. You have
had no good experiences with men, none
that have lasted longer than fifteen
months, and now you are hearing
things...you are hearing men's genitals
talking to each other. You are not
serious, because if you are, I'm calling
someone. Tell me you're not serious?
First, not only do they talk to each
other, but each ball and the penis each
have their own voice, and they form like
this little clique. There's a lot of
chatter under the table, Phyllis.
Are you in therapy?
I can even hear his under the desk. The
noise is deafening.
At this moment, the waiter comes by.
Just the check.
The waiter places the check on the table. Claire picks it
CLAIRE (cont'd) (contíd)
Did you hear them?
The waiter's? His left ball thought you
I am cute.
Did you have bacon/ This says you had
So his right ball didn't say anything?
You don't want to know.
And his penis?
I don't speak french.
His penis was speaking french?
I hate when they do that. Speak
different languages. They do it just to
I'm not annoyed, Claire. I'm worried
Silly me. I had bacon.