Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Genitals

                 INT.  RESTAURANT

                                PHYLLIS
                      I have it all figured out.  A love affair
                      lasts seven years and three months.

                                CLAIRE
                      You're an expert?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Observation.  Experience.  Yeah, I'm an
                      expert.

                                CLAIRE
                      You're off by six years.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Excuse me?

                                CLAIRE
                      One year and three months.  Fifteen
                      months.  After fifteen months, the
                      genitals stop humming.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Genitals?

                                CLAIRE
                      You think about genitals?

                                PHYLLIS
                      No.  Yes.  It depends.

                                CLAIRE
                      On?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Where I am.  Whom I'm with.  What we're
                      doing.  If I can see them.  You don't
                      think about them unless you see them.

                                CLAIRE
                      Now you see, that's my problem.  Every
                      guy I see, whether on the street or in
                      the subway or sitting in a restaurant, or
                      the kid serving me a Starbucks
                      cappuccino, I think about their genitals,
                      about what they look like, what position
                      they're in.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Are you talking about the whole package?

                                CLAIRE
                      The whole package?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Yeah.  The penis and the balls.  Or are
                      you just talking about the balls.  I
                      mean, I think Webster would say that the
                      balls are the genitals...the penis is a
                      just an add-on.

                                CLAIRE
                      An add-on?  You think of the penis as
                      simply an add-on?

                                PHYLLIS
                      It's an important add-on.  But it's
                      technically not a genital.

                                CLAIRE
                      I think of the package, OK.  Whether the
                      balls hang up high or below the end of
                      the penis, whether they're swinging,
                      whether the penis is circumscised or not.
                      The whole package.  It's a package deal,
                      Phyllis.

                                PHYLLIS
                      I'm not in disagreement.  Except for your
                      assessment of the length of a love
                      affair.  Fifteen months?

                                CLAIRE
                      Don't you think guys act as if they don't
                      have genitals?  I mean after fifteen
                      months, they stop thinking about they're
                      genitals when they're with you.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Not me, Claire.  Maybe you, but not me.

                                CLAIRE
                      How can people sit around a room at the
                      office, trying to do business without one
                      reference to the several packages resting
                      on the chairs under the table?  I mean
                      they're just sitting there, six packages,
                      that's how it was the other day in the
                      conference room.  We're all talking about
                      this advertising campaign, and all I can
                      think about are the six sets of genitals
                      under the table.  I look over at Judy,
                      and I can tell she's not thinking about
                      what's going n under the table.  You
                      know, I thing they talk to each other?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Talk to each other?

                                CLAIRE
                      Yeah, when a bunch of men are sitting
                      around a table with women, or without
                      women, it doesn't matter, there are two
                      conversations going on, one on top of the
                      table and one underneath.

                                PHYLLIS
                      You think the genitals are all talking to
                      each other?

                                CLAIRE
                      I can hear them.

                                PHYLLIS
                      You are mentally ill, Claire.  Fifteen
                      months?  This is your problem.  You have
                      had no good experiences with men, none
                      that have lasted longer than fifteen
                      months, and now you are hearing
                      things...you are hearing men's genitals
                      talking to each other.  You are not
                      serious, because if you are, I'm calling
                      someone.  Tell me you're not serious?

                                CLAIRE
                      First, not only do they talk to each
                      other, but each ball and the penis each
                      have their own voice, and they form like
                      this little clique.  There's a lot of
                      chatter under the table, Phyllis.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Are you in therapy?

                                CLAIRE
                      I can even hear his under the desk.  The
                      noise is deafening.

            At this moment, the waiter comes by.

                                WAITER
                      Anything else?

                                CLAIRE
                      Just the check.

            The waiter places the check on the table.  Claire picks it
            up.

                                CLAIRE (cont'd) (contíd)
                      Did you hear them?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Hear what?

                                CLAIRE
                      The waiter's?  His left ball thought you
                      were cute.

                                PHYLLIS
                      I am cute.

                                CLAIRE
                      Did you have bacon/  This says you had
                      bacon?

                                PHYLLIS
                      So his right ball didn't say anything?

                                CLAIRE
                      You don't want to know.

                                PHYLLIS
                      And his penis?

                                CLAIRE
                      I don't speak french.

                                PHYLLIS
                      His penis was speaking french?

                                CLAIRE
                      I hate when they do that.  Speak
                      different languages.  They do it just to
                      annoy us.

                                PHYLLIS
                      I'm not annoyed, Claire.  I'm worried
                      about you.

                                CLAIRE
                      Silly me.  I had bacon.

                                                                THE END.

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