Wednesday, May 16, 2018

A Little Misunderstanding

               INT  SMALL ROOM

               TERESA sits on a chair over a coffee table examining a chess
               board which is set up with pieces in the middle of a game.
               Teresa seems fidgety.  A moment passes.  NICKY walks in and
               sits down opposite Teresa.  Nicky is wearing black gloves and
               a loose jacket.  She looks at the chess board.  Teresa looks
               at Nicky.

                                   TERESA
                         Did you do it?

                                   NICKY
                         You didn't move.

                                   TERESA
                         Nicky, did you do it?

                                   NICKY
                         Yes.

                                   TERESA
                         Good.

                                   NICKY
                         Are you going to move?

                                   TERESA
                         What was all the yelling about?  I
                         could hear it way down here.

                                   NICKY
                         He wasn't happy about it, Teresa.

                                   TERESA
                         Yeah.  OK.  But the screaming.  Why
                         was he screaming?

                                   NICKY
                         He was in pain.  You know you are
                         in check.

                                   TERESA
                         Well, he should be in pain.  I hope
                         it hurt.  Jeeeesh, was he really in
                         so much pain?  I did not know he
                         even cared.

                                   NICKY
                         You need to focus on the board,
                         Teresa.

               Teresa looks down, and then up again at Nicky.

                                   TERESA
                         Did he say anything?

                                   NICKY
                         Nope.

                                   TERESA
                         No?

                                   NICKY
                         He said "what the fuck."

                                   TERESA
                         Why would he say that?

                                   NICKY
                         Teresa, what kind of ditz are you?
                         He was surprised.  Wouldn't you be?

                                   TERESA
                         Look Nicky, if I was screwing
                         around with another man, I would
                         not be surprised if my finance
                         broke up with me.  The fact that he
                         was surprised means he's an
                         arrogant asshole.  I am glad he was
                         in pain.  I hope he is still
                         hurting.

               Nicky reaches for Teresa's king and moves it.

                                   NICKY
                         You only have one move, so I just
                         did it.

                                   TERESA
                         Was he crying when you left him?

                                   NICKY
                         Of course not.

                                   TERESA
                         Bastard.  What a bastard.  I
                         bet...I bet he was crying inside.
                         Inside.  Yep.  He just didn't want
                         to show it.  Typical of men.

                                   NICKY
                         Oh, he was crying.

                                   TERESA
                         He was?

                                   NICKY
                         Like a baby.  They get that way
                         when they know it is over.

                                   TERESA
                         Oh...oh, maybe I did the wrong
                         thing.  Maybe he is still...you
                         know, that affair he had, it really
                         was nothing.  The girl was...it
                         meant nothing to him, I am sure.
                         You think it meant anything to him?

                                   NICKY
                         I wouldn't know, Teresa.  But I
                         never cared for Bob.

                                   TERESA
                         You never cared...why not?  Bob is
                         a great guy.

                                   NICKY
                         This is really no time to get
                         misty.

                                   TERESA
                         We were about to pick a wedding
                         date, you know.

               Nicky moves one of her pieces on the chess board.

                                   NICKY
                         You're in check again.

                                   TERESA
                         I'm going to tell him that I
                         forgive him and everything is OK.

               Teresa starts to get up.  Nicky stops her by a gesture or by
               the sound of her voice.

                                   NICKY
                         Where are you going?

                                   TERESA
                         I'm going to talk to Bob.

                                   NICKY
                         OK, so you are either joking or you
                         have a loose screw.  Bob is dead.

                                   TERESA
                         Nicky, you are so fast to dismiss
                         people.  Bob and I are in love.
                         We went through a tiny little rough
                         patch.

                                   NICKY
                         You told me to get rid of him.
                         Your exact words were to "whack the
                         asshole."

                                   TERESA
                         And apparently you did with all
                         that screaming.  Bob is hurting
                         right now.  I see that.

               Nicky reaches into her jacket and pulls out a hammer (which
               has a bloody head) and a knife (which is also bloody).  Nicky
               places these items on either side of the chess board.  Teresa
               goes wide eyed.

                                   NICKY
                         I whacked him, Teresa.  So Bob is
                         no longer hurting.  And you cannot
                         talk with Bob because he won't
                         respond.  So I suggest you move on
                         with your life.

                                   TERESA
                         You...you killed him?

                                   NICKY
                         Oh, so are you telling me I
                         misunderstood you?

               Teresa is overwhelmed, feels sick.  She then vomits all over
               the chessboard.  She does this below the frame of the CAMERA.

                                   NICKY (CONT'D)
                         Oh shit.

               Teresa's head rises up.  She is wiping her mouth with her
               sleeve or possibly her shirt.

                                   NICKY (CONT'D)
                         Great job.

                                   TERESA
                         I hate chess.  I think you should
                         clean it up.

                                   NICKY
                         You think, huh?

                                   TERESA
                         You caused this.

                                   NICKY
                         So are we OK, now?

                                   TERESA
                         Nicky, you know...next time try not
                         to be so dramatic.

                                   NICKY
                         Sticks and stones break bones.
                         It's the only way to get the point
                         across. I'll clean up.

               Nicky gets up.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Gus's Search

            INT.  STUDIO  CATHY AND LILS  DAY

            Cathy Crew wears a headset and stands next to a video
            camera.  In front of the camera stands Lils.

                                CATHY
                      Do you know why you're here?

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                CATHY
                      No you don't.  That's a lie.  That's
                      your first lie.  No more lies.  Do you
                      know why you're here?

                                LILS
                      No.

                                CATHY
                      You're here because Gus is not happy.

                                LILS
                      Gus?

                                CATHY
                      Gus.  The director.  He's not happy.
                      They're forcing him to take a movie
                      star.  A movie star that he doesn't
                      want.  He's not happy and he's trying
                      to find a replacement.  He's going to
                      fight.

                                LILS
                      What movie star?

                                CATHY
                      That's none of your business.  Concern
                      yourself with your business.  Do you
                      know what your business is?

                                LILS
                      No.

                                CATHY
                      That's your second lie.  You're an
                      actor.  You are an actor, aren't you?

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                CATHY
                      What's your name?

                                LILS
                      Lils.

                                CATHY
                      Lils.  Lils is not a name.  It's short
                      for something, like Lilian or Lily or
                      Lilith.  What's your name?

                                LILS
                      It's just Lils, honest.

                                CATHY
                      I don't believe you.

                                LILS
                      It's true.

                                CATHY
                      It doesn't matter that it's true.  You
                      must make me belive its true -- whether
                      it is or isn't is irrelevant.  That's
                      the job of the actor.  Are you off
                      book?

                                LILS
                      Sort of.

                                CATHY
                      You either are or you aren't  Gus
                      doesn't want amateurs. He's not
                      interested in amateurs.  He needs a
                      real pro, someone he can work with,
                      someone he can trust. Are you that
                      person?

                                LILS
                      I hope so.

                                CATHY
                      Are you off book?

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                CATHY
                      This has to be good.  If you're good, I
                      look good.  If I look good, that means
                      Gus is happy.  You want Gus to be
                      happy?

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                CATHY
                      Then we have an understanding.  Look
                      into the camera.

                                LILS
                      You want me to play to the camera?

                                CATHY
                      What's your character?

                                LILS
                      My character?

                                CATHY
                      Your character.  Your character.

                                LILS
                      Oh, I'm a reporter.

                                CATHY
                      So you look into the camera.  It's your
                      job.  That's what you do.

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                CATHY
                      Look into the camera, and when I say
                      action, you start.  Got that?

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                CATHY
                      We'll start with a rehearsal.  Action.

                                LILS
                      Should I start now?

                                CATHY
                      You need to listen.  I said when I say
                      action, you start.  I said action.  Now
                      I'll say it again.  Action.

                                LILS
                           (to the camera)
                      My name is Suzanne Maretto.  No.  Wait.
                      I'm sorry.  Suzanne Maretto is my
                      married name.  My own name is...

                                CATHY
                      Cut.  What are you doing?

                                LILS
                      I'm talking to the camera.

                                CATHY
                      That's the problem.  Nobody talks to a
                      camera.  The camera can't hear you.
                      The camera is an inanimate object.

                                LILS
                      You told me to talk to the camera.

                                CATHY
                      No I didn't.  I said look at the
                      camera.  You are talking to your fans,
                      your public, the viewing public.

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                CATHY
                      Action.

                                LILS
                      Should I start from the beginning?

                                CATHY
                      Yes.  Yes.  Action.

                                LILS
                      My name is Suzanne Maretto.  No.  Wait.
                      I'm sorry.  Suzanne Maretto is my
                      married name.  My own name is Suzanne
                      Stone.  That's my professional name.
                      It's not like I have negative feelings
                      about the name Maretto.

                                CATHY
                      Cut.  What do you want?

                                LILS
                      What do I want?

                                CATHY
                      Your objective, your intention, your
                      motivation.  Why are you talking to
                      your public?  This is acting 101 stuff.
                      You are an actor?

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                CATHY
                      Where did you train?

                                LILS
                      It's on my resume.

                                CATHY
                      I don't read resumes.  Resumes are
                      bullshit.  Resumes are fictional
                      accounts of actors' fantasies.  Where
                      did you train?

                                LILS
                      UCLA.

                                CATHY
                      That's not training.  That's a beauty
                      school.  Is that all you're interested
                      in?  Gus doesn't like beauty queens.
                      They're weak, they're shallow.  Is
                      being beautiful all you're interested
                      in?

                                LILS
                      No.

                                CATHY
                      What do you want?

                                LILS
                      I want my public to like me.

                                CATHY
                      Good.  That's something.  Use it.
                      Action.

                                LILS
                      My name is Suzanne Maretto.  No.  Wait.
                      I'm sorry.  Suzanne Maretto is my
                      married name.  My own name is Suzanne
                      Stone.  That's my professional name.
                      It's not like I have negative feelings
                      about the name Maretto.  Maretto is the
                      name after all of my husband who I
                      loved very, very much, and also, of
                      course, of his parents, Joe and Angela
                      Maretto -- and of his lovely and
                      talented sister, Janice Maretto --  who
                      have been like a second mother and
                      father to me and I regard as I do my
                      own family -- particularly since my
                      recent tragedy, and who just knowing
                      and being related to them have given me
                      what I think is a very precious and
                      valuable insight into the different
                      kinds of ethnic relationships that are
                      part of the very things that I've been
                      trying to explore as a member of the
                      professional media.

            INT.  OFFICE  GUS AND LILS  DAY

            Gus sits at his desk.  Lils sits in a chair opposite Gus.

                                GUS
                      I'm told you have something.

                                LILS
                      What is it that I have?

                                GUS
                      I'm told that you're green, that you
                      don't have much of any technique, that
                      you may not understand the work ethic
                      of an actor.  But that you have
                      something.  Frankly, sitting here,
                      across this table, I don't see it.  I
                      don't see what you have.  Your name is
                      Lils Lockhart?  Sounds phoney.  Doesn't
                      sound like a real name.  What's your
                      real name?

                                LILS
                      It's Lils Lockhart.

                                GUS
                      Don't get an attitude.  Attitude will
                      kill an actor.  Attitude will poison
                      your heart.

                                LILS
                      I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

                                GUS
                      Don't do a dance with me Lils Lockhart.
                      I don't dance with my actors.  I
                      direct.  I direct.  Do you know what a
                      director is?

                                LILS
                      Yes.

                                GUS

Godiva Nun

            INT.  LOCKED CHAMBER

            Rose sits opposite Tina.  Tina is dressed formally.  Rose is
            in prison clothes.  Rose is crying.  Tina is going through
            her bag.  A few moments pass.

                                TINA
                      I'd appreciate it if you'd stop crying.

            Rose continues to cry.

                                TINA (contíd)
                      You have only thirty minutes, so let's
                      spend it productively.

                                ROSE
                      Productively?

                                TINA
                      Yes.  We should talk.

                                ROSE
                      What is talking going to do?

                                TINA
                      Look, I've done fifteen of these in the
                      last three years.  It's becoming a
                      regular thing.  Flying back and forth
                      between Florida and Texas.  It's mostly
                      Florida and Texas.  Florida and Texas.
                      It's something about the warm weather
                      that gets these states to well, you know,
                      do what they're doing to you.  So,
                      anyway, I'm getting very good at this.

                                ROSE
                      Good at what?

                                TINA
                      Talking.  Oh, by the way, I can't stay
                      for the whole thirty minutes.

                                ROSE
                      You can't stay?

                                TINA
                      Flight.  Back to Florida.  Pensacola,
                      mind you.  It's not even Miami or
                      Orlando, someplace with a little
                      entertainment.  The panhandle.  Dreadful.
                      Consider yourself lucky.

                                ROSE
                      Lucky?

                                TINA
                      A car service is coming is twenty
                      minutes.  So we don't have much time.

                                ROSE
                      WE don't have much time!

                                TINA
                      The way this works is that you talk about
                      what you did, confess it all, get it off
                      your chest, clear the old conscience, ask
                      for forgiveness, cry a little...a little
                      more than you have been, that is, and
                      then go to the gas chamber.  Now look,
                      we've wasted five minutes with all this
                      orientation stuff, so can we get started?

                                ROSE
                      Didn't you read my case?

                                TINA
                      I have your file right here.

                                ROSE
                      I'm innocent.  The file shows that I
                      claim to be innocent.  So I have nothing
                      to confess.  I have nothing to get off my
                      chest.  I have a clear conscience.

                                TINA
                      Yes.

                                ROSE
                      So we have nothing to talk about.

                                TINA
                      Yes...well, usually this "I'm innocent"
                      thing gets dropped by now...I mean
                      really, they're dropping that little
                      cyanide pill in a bucket of acid in 22
                      minutes.  For chrissake, don't you want
                      to go to your grave with a clear
                      conscience?

                                ROSE
                      I have 22 minutes, and I'd like to be
                      alone.  I'd like to...I'd like to try not
                      to feel hate...I don't want to feel hate
                      while they're bringing me to the the...so
                      could you just leave and leave me alone.

                                TINA
                      Oh, I can't do that.  Alone is bad.

                                ROSE
                      I can't believe this.  Who picks the
                      people who do what you do?

                                TINA
                      I have a present for you.

                                ROSE
                      A present?

            Tina pulls out a small box.

                                TINA
                      Chocolates. There from Godiva.  Very
                      expensive.  It's there small box, only
                      four candies, which is usually sufficient
                      given the time constraints.

                                ROSE
                      You think I have an appetite?

                                TINA
                      I'm known as the Godiva Nun.  Funny,
                      isn't it?  Would you like one?

                                ROSE
                      OK, so now I get it.  Sitting in a room
                      with you is worse than sitting in a gas
                      chamber.  That's the service you perform.
                      Is that it?  Is that your technique?  You
                      make the inmate beg to be taken to the
                      gas chamber because they can't stand
                      another second being alone with you.

                                TINA
                      You don't have to get nasty.

                                ROSE
                      Do you have a degree?  Do they require
                      some kind of training for what you do?
                      Does Pope John Paul know he has nuns like
                      you running around destroying the last
                      moments of someone's life?

            Tina looks at Rose's file.

                                TINA
                      Listen, Gloria, I have never had to deal
                      with such an attitude.

                                ROSE
                      My name is not Gloria.  My name is Rose.

                                TINA
                      Poor thing.  You are in such deep denial
                      that you've changed your name from Gloria
                      Vinson to Rose.

                                ROSE
                      My name is Rose Mittleman.  Gloria Vinson
                      is down the hall.  She's scheduled in two
                      weeks.  Don't tell me you're supposed to
                      visit her too?

            Tina looks in her bag and pulls out another file.

                                TINA
                      Oh.  Oh jeez.  I've never done that
                      before.  Sorry.  Jet lag.  So you're Rose
                      Mittleman.  Yes.  Yes.  Oh well, you
                      won't be needing me anymore.

                                ROSE
                      I never needed you.

                                TINA
                      Here's your pardon letter.  I forgot.
                      Silly me.  I get things so confused
                      sometimes.

            Rose takes the letter and reads it.

                                TINA (contíd)
                      Running around from state to state.
                      Never getting any sleep.  And you know
                      the food is just the pits on those big
                      jets.  Just nuts and soda.  Thank god you
                      can buy a gin and tonic.

                                ROSE
                      Is this a joke?  I've been pardoned by
                      the Governor.

                                TINA
                      Yeah.  One of those last minute things.
                      They just gave it to me before I came
                      in...

                                ROSE
                      How could you forget such a thing?

                                TINA
                      Well, you know, those gin and tonics can
                      really screw up your short term memory.

            Rose hugs Tina.

                                TINA (contíd)
                      OK.  OK.  It's OK.  So I brought you good
                      news.  That's my job.  That's my job.

                                ROSE
                      Thank you.  Thank you God.

                                TINA
                      My name's Tina.  But it's God's will.
                      God's will is what it is.

            Rose releases Tina.

                                ROSE
                      Thank you Tina.

                                TINA
                      Listen, can I have those chocolates back.
                      They don't have a Godiva store in
                      Pensacola and I didn't plan ahead.  So
                      this pardon thing really works out for
                      the best.

            Rose laughs and hands Tina the box of chocolates.

                                                                THE END.

God Bless America

               INT.  FRAN'S LIVING ROOM

               Fran sits in a chair.  Roxy sits on a couch.  On a coffee
               table sits a handgun and a pad of paper.  A moment passes.

                                   ROXY
                         You know, I am in awe.

                                   FRAN
                         Uh huh.

                                   ROXY
                         About what you did.

                                   FRAN
                         Yeah?

                                   ROXY
                         Killing that bitch.  With a gun, in
                         broad daylight.  How did you get
                         the courage?

                                   FRAN
                         Yeah, I have lots of that.

                                   ROXY
                         Is that the gun you used?

               Roxy picks the gun up.

                                   FRAN
                         Careful with that.

                                   ROXY
                         It's heavy.

               Roxy puts the gun down and picks up the pad of paper.  She
               reads it out loud.

                                   ROXY (CONT'D)
                         Dear Eva,.....(reads note)...this
                         is a suicide note?

                                   FRAN
                         Perceptive.

                                   ROXY
                         Your suicide note?

                                   FRAN
                         That would be accurate only after I
                         commit suicide, now wouldn't it.

                                   ROXY
                         You can't do that.  You can't do
                         that.  OK, this is really bad.  No.
                         Please.  That would just ruin
                         everything.  You are everything I
                         want to be.  Oh my god, oh my god.

               Roxy is getting very upset.  Almost frantic - in tears.  Fran
               picks up the gun and points it at her1 own head.

                                   ROXY (CONT'D)
                         Oh fuck...this is the greatest
                         thing that has happened around
                         here...what am I going to do.  You
                         can't take away what you started.
                         It is too brilliant.

                                   FRAN
                         I will kill myself if you don't
                         fucking shut up.

                                   ROXY
                         Yes.  Yes.  OK.  OK.

               Roxy does the zipper across the mouth gesture.  Then there is
               awkward silence.  Fran lowers the handgun.

                                   ROXY (CONT'D)
                         So...so did you kill her because
                         you couldn't have her?

                                   FRAN
                         I didn't kill her because I
                         couldn't have her.  I killed her
                         because she wasn't nice.

                                   ROXY
                         Yes.  Of course.  She was a cunt.
                         But there are so many other cunts
                         ...and pricks...lots of pricks out
                         there.  You can't commit suicide
                         now.

               Fran throws her a look.

                                   ROXY (CONT'D)
                         I mean never  You should never
                         commit suicide.  It's not for you.
                         Use the gun to kill some one else.

                                   FRAN
                         Like who?

                                   ROXY
                         Oh god, there's so many...Nascar
                         fans.  I hate Nascar fans with the
                         beer bellies and big hair
                         girlfriends.  A companion to that
                         is country music.  I hate country
                         music fans.  I loathe people who
                         dress their babies in band t
                         shirts.  And...and...Taylor Swift.
                         I dislike Taylor Swift.

                                   FRAN
                         I like Taylor Swift.

                                   ROXY
                         Yes.  Yes.  I like Taylor Swift
                         too.  Her new song...it's catchy.

Gloria ?

               INT.  LIVING ROOM

               GLORIA walks into frame.   She is placing on a jacket or
               coat.  A male voice, TIM, off screen addresses Gloria.

                                   TIM
                         We're late.  So let's move it.

                                   GLORIA
                         Excuse me?  Do I know you?

                                   TIM
                         Your shoes.  You don't have your
                         shoes on.

                                   GLORIA
                         Where am I?

                                   TIM
                         This is a very important meeting.
                         A big client.  We have to impress.

                                   GLORIA
                         Is this some kind of game?

                                   TIM
                         Game?  What game?  Gloria, please.

                                   GLORIA
                         My name is not Gloria.
                         It's...It's...Amy.  My name is Amy.

                                   TIM
                         OK.  I get it.  It's April first.
                         April fools.  Joke's over.  The
                         shoes?

                                   GLORIA
                         It's April?

                                   TIM
                         This is a million dollar account.
                         You have to be on your best
                         behavior.

                                   GLORIA
                         You think we're married?

                                   TIM
                         Gloria.  I'm now getting annoyed.

                                   GLORIA
                         I am almost certain that I am not
                         Gloria, I am not married to you
                         and...and...is this our home?  No
                         wait, this is my home.  What are
                         you doing in my home?

                                   TIM
                         Gloria.

                                   GLORIA
                         You've broken into my house and...
                         and... and your wearing my
                         husband's clothes.  Do we have
                         children?  We have children.  I
                         have a child.  He's a boy.  What
                         have you done with him?

                                   TIM
                         OK, your starting to worry me...

                                   GLORIA
                         Let me tell you what you need to
                         worry about... a mother's wrath.
                         What did you do with my son?  I
                         swear I will take a serrated
                         kitchen knife and cut your penis
                         off and put it on a hot dog bun if
                         you don't get out of my house and
                         leave us alone.

               Gloria tries to calm herself.  She takes a deep breath, and
               morphs into a relaxed wife.

                                   GLORIA (CONT'D)
                             (to herself)
                         Wow.  That was cool.  Hadn't felt
                         that since I played Lady MacBeth in
                         high school.  Sorry.  Hey.  It's
                         April Fools.  Let's go to dinner.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Genitals

                 INT.  RESTAURANT

                                PHYLLIS
                      I have it all figured out.  A love affair
                      lasts seven years and three months.

                                CLAIRE
                      You're an expert?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Observation.  Experience.  Yeah, I'm an
                      expert.

                                CLAIRE
                      You're off by six years.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Excuse me?

                                CLAIRE
                      One year and three months.  Fifteen
                      months.  After fifteen months, the
                      genitals stop humming.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Genitals?

                                CLAIRE
                      You think about genitals?

                                PHYLLIS
                      No.  Yes.  It depends.

                                CLAIRE
                      On?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Where I am.  Whom I'm with.  What we're
                      doing.  If I can see them.  You don't
                      think about them unless you see them.

                                CLAIRE
                      Now you see, that's my problem.  Every
                      guy I see, whether on the street or in
                      the subway or sitting in a restaurant, or
                      the kid serving me a Starbucks
                      cappuccino, I think about their genitals,
                      about what they look like, what position
                      they're in.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Are you talking about the whole package?

                                CLAIRE
                      The whole package?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Yeah.  The penis and the balls.  Or are
                      you just talking about the balls.  I
                      mean, I think Webster would say that the
                      balls are the genitals...the penis is a
                      just an add-on.

                                CLAIRE
                      An add-on?  You think of the penis as
                      simply an add-on?

                                PHYLLIS
                      It's an important add-on.  But it's
                      technically not a genital.

                                CLAIRE
                      I think of the package, OK.  Whether the
                      balls hang up high or below the end of
                      the penis, whether they're swinging,
                      whether the penis is circumscised or not.
                      The whole package.  It's a package deal,
                      Phyllis.

                                PHYLLIS
                      I'm not in disagreement.  Except for your
                      assessment of the length of a love
                      affair.  Fifteen months?

                                CLAIRE
                      Don't you think guys act as if they don't
                      have genitals?  I mean after fifteen
                      months, they stop thinking about they're
                      genitals when they're with you.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Not me, Claire.  Maybe you, but not me.

                                CLAIRE
                      How can people sit around a room at the
                      office, trying to do business without one
                      reference to the several packages resting
                      on the chairs under the table?  I mean
                      they're just sitting there, six packages,
                      that's how it was the other day in the
                      conference room.  We're all talking about
                      this advertising campaign, and all I can
                      think about are the six sets of genitals
                      under the table.  I look over at Judy,
                      and I can tell she's not thinking about
                      what's going n under the table.  You
                      know, I thing they talk to each other?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Talk to each other?

                                CLAIRE
                      Yeah, when a bunch of men are sitting
                      around a table with women, or without
                      women, it doesn't matter, there are two
                      conversations going on, one on top of the
                      table and one underneath.

                                PHYLLIS
                      You think the genitals are all talking to
                      each other?

                                CLAIRE
                      I can hear them.

                                PHYLLIS
                      You are mentally ill, Claire.  Fifteen
                      months?  This is your problem.  You have
                      had no good experiences with men, none
                      that have lasted longer than fifteen
                      months, and now you are hearing
                      things...you are hearing men's genitals
                      talking to each other.  You are not
                      serious, because if you are, I'm calling
                      someone.  Tell me you're not serious?

                                CLAIRE
                      First, not only do they talk to each
                      other, but each ball and the penis each
                      have their own voice, and they form like
                      this little clique.  There's a lot of
                      chatter under the table, Phyllis.

                                PHYLLIS
                      Are you in therapy?

                                CLAIRE
                      I can even hear his under the desk.  The
                      noise is deafening.

            At this moment, the waiter comes by.

                                WAITER
                      Anything else?

                                CLAIRE
                      Just the check.

            The waiter places the check on the table.  Claire picks it
            up.

                                CLAIRE (cont'd) (contíd)
                      Did you hear them?

                                PHYLLIS
                      Hear what?

                                CLAIRE
                      The waiter's?  His left ball thought you
                      were cute.

                                PHYLLIS
                      I am cute.

                                CLAIRE
                      Did you have bacon/  This says you had
                      bacon?

                                PHYLLIS
                      So his right ball didn't say anything?

                                CLAIRE
                      You don't want to know.

                                PHYLLIS
                      And his penis?

                                CLAIRE
                      I don't speak french.

                                PHYLLIS
                      His penis was speaking french?

                                CLAIRE
                      I hate when they do that.  Speak
                      different languages.  They do it just to
                      annoy us.

                                PHYLLIS
                      I'm not annoyed, Claire.  I'm worried
                      about you.

                                CLAIRE
                      Silly me.  I had bacon.

                                                                THE END.