Monday, January 1, 2018

Daytime Drama

            INT.

            This is shot entirely in split screen.  With the screen
            entirely black, we hear the telephone ringing.  As the
            phone continues to ring, we fade in on screen right.  Keri
            sits in a chair, telephone receiver at her ear, waiting,
            impatiently.  We then fade in on screen left.  The camera
            is above a bed.  Jennifer lies there asleep.  One of her
            arms responds to the ringing telephone.  She brings the
            receiver to her ear.  She is barely awake.

                                JENNIFER
                      Yeah?

                                KERI
                      Do you know what time it is?

                                JENNIFER
                      No.

                                KERI
                      It's noon, Jennifer.  Noon.

                                JENNIFER
                      Leave me alone.

                                KERI
                      Have you been drinking again?

                                JENNIFER
                      Keri, what do you want?

                                KERI
                      It came.

                                JENNIFER
                      Who came?

                                KERI
                      It.  It came.  The letter from Ricki
                      Lake.

                                JENNIFER
                      From who?

                                KERI
                      Ricki Lake.

                                JENNIFER
                      What does she want?

                                KERI
                      How much did you drink?

                                JENNIFER
                      One bottle.

                                KERI
                      Of what?

                                JENNIFER
                      Does it matter?

                                KERI
                      You're gaining weight, you know.

                                JENNIFER
                      I am not.

                                KERI
                      She wants our story.

                                JENNIFER
                      Who?

                                KERI
                      Ricki Lake.  She wants our story.

                                JENNIFER
                      You mean that letter...

                                KERI
                      Yes.  They responded.

                                JENNIFER
                      We sent that over a year ago.  I
                      thought we sent it to Oprah.

                                KERI
                      Oprah, Ricki, Montell, and a few
                      others.

                                JENNIFER
                      It was a joke.  They took it seriously?

                                KERI
                      Ricki did at least.

                                JENNIFER
                      I forget.  Which story did we send her?

                                KERI
                      That's the problem, I don't remember.
                      We sent different stories to each of
                      them.

                                JENNIFER
                      That was a crazy night.

                                KERI
                      Jack Daniels and decongestents.

                                JENNIFER
                      It was the lesbian sisters.

                                KERI
                      No it wasn't.  We scraped that because
                      we don't look alike.

                                JENNIFER
                      I don't want to go on TV anyway.  Just
                      call them and tell them it was a joke.

                                KERI
                      They pay, Jenn.

                                JENNIFER
                      They what?

                                KERI
                      They pay.  A thousand dollars each plus
                      air fare and hotel.

                                JENNIFER
                      To where?

                                KERI
                      LA.

                                JENNIFER
                      I hate LA.

                                KERI
                      A thousand dollars, Jenn.

                                JENNIFER
                      Yeah, well, I could use it.

                                KERI
                      What story did we send?

                                JENNIFER
                      What's the letter say?

                                KERI
                      "We would like to invite both of you to
                      be guests on the Ricki Lake Show to be
                      taped on June 23rd at the Culver City
                      Studio in Los Angeles.  Ms. Lake has
                      read your letter and was moved by your
                      story, and she wishes you to share it
                      with her audience."  The rest is about
                      the money and travel instructions.

                                JENNIFER
                      Our story moved Ricki Lake?

                                KERI
                      That's what it says.

                                JENNIFER
                      I can't imagine her being moved by
                      anything but a plate of food.  They
                      want to do a whole show just on us?

                                KERI
                      I think so.  It could be my big break.

                                JENNIFER
                      Your big what?

                                KERI
                      Break.  My big break.

                                JENNIFER
                      For what?

                                KERI
                      Acting, idiot.

                                JENNIFER
                      Oh, christ, you were a lousy actress.

                                KERI
                      I was not.

                                JENNIFER
                      You gave it up five years ago,
                      remember?

                                KERI
                      I didn't give it up.  I just haven't
                      had an audition in five years.

                                JENNIFER
                      Maybe there's a reason.

                                KERI
                      This is national television, Jenn.

                                JENNIFER
                      Maybe it was the dieting story.  Didn't
                      we have a dieting story?

                                KERI
                      Yes.  We were each four hundred pounds
                      and we lost three hundred pounds in one
                      month, for a total of six hundred
                      pounds.  Twenty pounds a day.

                                JENNIFER
                      That would move Ricki Lake.  It must
                      have been the dieting story.

                                KERI
                      I don't want to do the dieting story.

                                JENNIFER
                      We have to do the story we sent in.
                      Why?

                                KERI
                      It's bad for my career.

                                JENNIFER
                      You don't have a career.

                                KERI
                      Fat people can't become movie stars.

                                JENNIFER
                      Elizabeth Taylor.

                                KERI
                      She was thin when she became a star.
                      After you can get fat.

                                JENNIFER
                      It was the dieting story, Keri.  We're
                      stuck with it.

                                KERI
                      Can we make it so that you lost the
                      weight?

                                JENNIFER
                      I lost twenty pounds a day for thirty
                      days?  I lost six hundred pounds?
                      You're crazy.  They're going to want to
                      pictures.

                                KERI
                      We didn't think about that.  They're
                      going to want pictures.

                                JENNIFER
                      It wasn't the dieting story.

                                KERI
                      It wasn't?

                                JENNIFER
                      No.  We had sex change operations.

                                KERI
                      I don't think I want to do this.

                                JENNIFER
                      No.  You had the sex change operation
                      and I was your friend who helped you
                      make the decision, remember?

                                KERI
                      That's not how I remember it.

                                JENNIFER
                      Yes.  It's more believable you had the
                      operation.

                                KERI
                      What do you mean it's more believable?

                                JENNIFER
                      You're more masculine than me.

                                KERI
                      Excuse me?

                                JENNIFER
                      Come on, Keri.  We went over this that
                      night.  You agreed.

                                KERI
                      I was drugged.

                                JENNIFER
                      It's all coming back now.

                                KERI
                      Because I work out?  Because I have
                      muscles?  Muscles can be feminine.

                                JENNIFER
                      It's your face, your size.  You're big
                      boned.  Look at your hands.

                                KERI
                      What?

                                JENNIFER
                      Your hands are big, your fingers are
                      fat.

                                KERI
                      They are not.

                                JENNIFER
                      And the hair.

                                KERI
                      What hair?

                                JENNIFER
                      On you face.

                                KERI
                      I don't have hair on my face.

                                JENNIFER
                      Not since you bleached it.  Look, Keri,
                      you want to make this work, you have to
                      make it believable.  You look like a
                      man who changed his sex to a woman.
                      We'll each pick up a thou and call it a
                      day's work.  Ricki Lake'll be happy,
                      her audience'll be happy and we'll be
                      happy.

                                KERI
                      I won't be happy.  But it doesn't
                      matter numbnuts because it wasn't the
                      sex change story.

                                JENNIFER
                      It wasn't?

                                KERI
                      It was the alcoholic mom who drank when
                      she was pregnant and had a retarded
                      baby.

                                JENNIFER
                      Are you trying to upset me?

                                KERI
                      No.  But that was the story.  So stick
                      that in your bottle fatbottom.

                                JENNIFER
                      Oh, now I have a fatbottom.

                                KERI
                      You've always had a fatbottom.  It's
                      all the abortions.

                                JENNIFER
                      I need this?  Do I need this?  First
                      you wake me, now you insult me, what
                      kind of fuckin' friend are you?  You
                      know I have a problem?  You think I
                      don't know this?  You think I don't
                      know this?  I look like shit.  I've got
                      lines where I've never had lines.  I
                      have pains where I've never had pains.
                      All I think about now is getting home
                      at night and having a drink.
                      Yesterday...do you know what I fucking
                      did yesterday, I bought a bottle of
                      Glenlivet and stuck it in my desk at
                      work.  Do you hear this?  Do you hear
                      this?  And now you want me to make a
                      joke of it on TV, in front of a million
                      people, when I can't even look in the
                      goddamn mirror anymore because I see a
                      drunk.  I see a drunk, Keri, do you
                      hear me.  I'm twenty six years old and
                      a drunk.

                                KERI
                      You're twenty seven, Jenn.

                                JENNIFER
                      Oh, thanks.  That makes me feel better.

                                KERI
                      OK.  OK.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  Calm
                      down.  We won't do it.  We won't go on
                      the show, OK.

                                JENNIFER
                      I didn't say I don't want to go on the
                      show.  It's just that you'll play the
                      alcoholic and I'll play the friend.  I
                      need the money.

                                KERI
                      OK.  OK.  Whatever you say.

            There's a moment of silence.

                                JENNIFER
                      You know, Ker, you're a great friend.

                                KERI
                      Yeah.

                                JENNIFER
                      I'll call you later.  I want to sleep a
                      little more.

                                KERI
                      OK.

                                JENNIFER
                      See ya.

                                KERI
                      Yeah.

            Jennifer hangs up the phone and closes her eyes.  Keri
            hangs up the phone and sits silently.

                                                          FADE TO BLACK.

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