This is shot entirely in split screen. With the screen
entirely black, we hear the telephone ringing. As the
phone continues to ring, we fade in on screen right. Keri
sits in a chair, telephone receiver at her ear, waiting,
impatiently. We then fade in on screen left. The camera
is above a bed. Jennifer lies there asleep. One of her
arms responds to the ringing telephone. She brings the
receiver to her ear. She is barely awake.
JENNIFER
Yeah?
KERI
Do you know what time it is?
JENNIFER
No.
KERI
It's noon, Jennifer. Noon.
JENNIFER
Leave me alone.
KERI
Have you been drinking again?
JENNIFER
Keri, what do you want?
KERI
It came.
JENNIFER
Who came?
KERI
It. It came. The letter from Ricki
Lake.
JENNIFER
From who?
KERI
Ricki Lake.
JENNIFER
What does she want?
KERI
How much did you drink?
JENNIFER
One bottle.
KERI
Of what?
JENNIFER
Does it matter?
KERI
You're gaining weight, you know.
JENNIFER
I am not.
KERI
She wants our story.
JENNIFER
Who?
KERI
Ricki Lake. She wants our story.
JENNIFER
You mean that letter...
KERI
Yes. They responded.
JENNIFER
We sent that over a year ago. I
thought we sent it to Oprah.
KERI
Oprah, Ricki, Montell, and a few
others.
JENNIFER
It was a joke. They took it seriously?
KERI
Ricki did at least.
JENNIFER
I forget. Which story did we send her?
KERI
That's the problem, I don't remember.
We sent different stories to each of
them.
JENNIFER
That was a crazy night.
KERI
Jack Daniels and decongestents.
JENNIFER
It was the lesbian sisters.
KERI
No it wasn't. We scraped that because
we don't look alike.
JENNIFER
I don't want to go on TV anyway. Just
call them and tell them it was a joke.
KERI
They pay, Jenn.
JENNIFER
They what?
KERI
They pay. A thousand dollars each plus
air fare and hotel.
JENNIFER
To where?
KERI
LA.
JENNIFER
I hate LA.
KERI
A thousand dollars, Jenn.
JENNIFER
Yeah, well, I could use it.
KERI
What story did we send?
JENNIFER
What's the letter say?
KERI
"We would like to invite both of you to
be guests on the Ricki Lake Show to be
taped on June 23rd at the Culver City
Studio in Los Angeles. Ms. Lake has
read your letter and was moved by your
story, and she wishes you to share it
with her audience." The rest is about
the money and travel instructions.
JENNIFER
Our story moved Ricki Lake?
KERI
That's what it says.
JENNIFER
I can't imagine her being moved by
anything but a plate of food. They
want to do a whole show just on us?
KERI
I think so. It could be my big break.
JENNIFER
Your big what?
KERI
Break. My big break.
JENNIFER
For what?
KERI
Acting, idiot.
JENNIFER
Oh, christ, you were a lousy actress.
KERI
I was not.
JENNIFER
You gave it up five years ago,
remember?
KERI
I didn't give it up. I just haven't
had an audition in five years.
JENNIFER
Maybe there's a reason.
KERI
This is national television, Jenn.
JENNIFER
Maybe it was the dieting story. Didn't
we have a dieting story?
KERI
Yes. We were each four hundred pounds
and we lost three hundred pounds in one
month, for a total of six hundred
pounds. Twenty pounds a day.
JENNIFER
That would move Ricki Lake. It must
have been the dieting story.
KERI
I don't want to do the dieting story.
JENNIFER
We have to do the story we sent in.
Why?
KERI
It's bad for my career.
JENNIFER
You don't have a career.
KERI
Fat people can't become movie stars.
JENNIFER
Elizabeth Taylor.
KERI
She was thin when she became a star.
After you can get fat.
JENNIFER
It was the dieting story, Keri. We're
stuck with it.
KERI
Can we make it so that you lost the
weight?
JENNIFER
I lost twenty pounds a day for thirty
days? I lost six hundred pounds?
You're crazy. They're going to want to
pictures.
KERI
We didn't think about that. They're
going to want pictures.
JENNIFER
It wasn't the dieting story.
KERI
It wasn't?
JENNIFER
No. We had sex change operations.
KERI
I don't think I want to do this.
JENNIFER
No. You had the sex change operation
and I was your friend who helped you
make the decision, remember?
KERI
That's not how I remember it.
JENNIFER
Yes. It's more believable you had the
operation.
KERI
What do you mean it's more believable?
JENNIFER
You're more masculine than me.
KERI
Excuse me?
JENNIFER
Come on, Keri. We went over this that
night. You agreed.
KERI
I was drugged.
JENNIFER
It's all coming back now.
KERI
Because I work out? Because I have
muscles? Muscles can be feminine.
JENNIFER
It's your face, your size. You're big
boned. Look at your hands.
KERI
What?
JENNIFER
Your hands are big, your fingers are
fat.
KERI
They are not.
JENNIFER
And the hair.
KERI
What hair?
JENNIFER
On you face.
KERI
I don't have hair on my face.
JENNIFER
Not since you bleached it. Look, Keri,
you want to make this work, you have to
make it believable. You look like a
man who changed his sex to a woman.
We'll each pick up a thou and call it a
day's work. Ricki Lake'll be happy,
her audience'll be happy and we'll be
happy.
KERI
I won't be happy. But it doesn't
matter numbnuts because it wasn't the
sex change story.
JENNIFER
It wasn't?
KERI
It was the alcoholic mom who drank when
she was pregnant and had a retarded
baby.
JENNIFER
Are you trying to upset me?
KERI
No. But that was the story. So stick
that in your bottle fatbottom.
JENNIFER
Oh, now I have a fatbottom.
KERI
You've always had a fatbottom. It's
all the abortions.
JENNIFER
I need this? Do I need this? First
you wake me, now you insult me, what
kind of fuckin' friend are you? You
know I have a problem? You think I
don't know this? You think I don't
know this? I look like shit. I've got
lines where I've never had lines. I
have pains where I've never had pains.
All I think about now is getting home
at night and having a drink.
Yesterday...do you know what I fucking
did yesterday, I bought a bottle of
Glenlivet and stuck it in my desk at
work. Do you hear this? Do you hear
this? And now you want me to make a
joke of it on TV, in front of a million
people, when I can't even look in the
goddamn mirror anymore because I see a
drunk. I see a drunk, Keri, do you
hear me. I'm twenty six years old and
a drunk.
KERI
You're twenty seven, Jenn.
JENNIFER
Oh, thanks. That makes me feel better.
KERI
OK. OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Calm
down. We won't do it. We won't go on
the show, OK.
JENNIFER
I didn't say I don't want to go on the
show. It's just that you'll play the
alcoholic and I'll play the friend. I
need the money.
KERI
OK. OK. Whatever you say.
There's a moment of silence.
JENNIFER
You know, Ker, you're a great friend.
KERI
Yeah.
JENNIFER
I'll call you later. I want to sleep a
little more.
KERI
OK.
JENNIFER
See ya.
KERI
Yeah.
Jennifer hangs up the phone and closes her eyes. Keri
hangs up the phone and sits silently.
FADE TO BLACK.
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