STEPHANIE sits on the edge of the chair, elbows on knees,
hands covering much of her face. Standing behind her or to
the side is PHOEBE. Opposite Stephanie and Phoebe is a
couch, on which lies DAVID, face down, one arm off the edge
hanging down to the floor. On the coffee table between the
couch and the chair is a plate of cookies and some textbooks
and spiral notebooks.
Phoebe is chewing bubble gum. She blows a large bubble. It
pops. On the pop, JESSIE walks in.
JESSIE
OK guys, what's the emergency?
PHOEBE
We have a situation. Well,
actually, Stephanie has a
situation?
STEPHANIE
Really? This is just my situation?
You have to take some
responsibility, Phoebe.
PHOEBE
I'm not sure how you figure that.
STEPHANIE
It was your cookie recipe.
JESSIE
Someone want to tell me what's
going on?
PHOEBE
Stephanie's boyfriend on the couch
is the situation.
JESSIE
What about him?
STEPHANIE
It was an accident.
JESSIE
What was an accident?
PHOEBE
Jessie, take a look at the prone
position of David, lying there,
motionless, immobile, static.
Stagnate, silent and inanimate as a
rock.
JESSIE
Except for the fact that David is
not snoring, he looks exactly like
my boyfriend.
PHOEBE
Jessie, you fail to recognize the
gravity of the situation.
JESSIE
Look girls, I have a million and
one things to do today, so unless
you get to the point, I'm taking
off.
PHOEBE
David is dead.
JESSIE
Excuse me?
PHOEBE
Dead, as in kaput, he has kicked
the can, hung up the harness, bit
the dust, the last curtain has come
down. David has taken his last
bow.
JESSIE
Funny. Very funny.
PHOEBE
Am I laughing?
JESSIE
Stephanie, would you please
clarify?
STEPHANIE
We were studying for the History of
French Feminist Cinema exam. And
you know, I hate studying, so I
decided to bake cookies. Phoebe's
recipe.
PHOEBE
She's trying to blame me.
JESSIE
Bake cookies?
PHOEBE
They are really good. You should
try one.
Phoebe points to the plate on the coffee table.
STEPHANIE
And David ate like four of them.
JESSIE
What are you saying?
STEPHANIE
I only had regular flour, OK. So I
made the cookies with regular
flour. Not gluten-free flour. I
mean really, who dies from a little
gluten?
PHOEBE
Gluten allergies are very serious,
Stephanie. And I think we have
clear and convincing evidence of
that lying on the couch.
JESSIE
Are you guys saying David is dead
because he ate your gluten cookies?
PHOEBE
Yes. Stephanie killed her
boyfriend.
STEPHANIE
I didn't kill my boyfriend. You
have to stop saying that.
PHOEBE
How would you like me to say it?
JESSIE
Has anyone taken his pulse?
STEPHANIE
Of course not?
JESSIE
Why of course not?
STEPHANIE
It's a dead body. I'm not going to
touch a dead body.
JESSIE
It's your boyfriend's body, dead or
not. Maybe you should confirm that
he's dead.
STEPHANIE
Well then go check his pulse if you
want.
JESSIE
I'm not checking his pulse. You do
it.
STEPHANIE
(to Phoebe)
Phoebe, Jessie has a point.
PHOEBE
Has a point about what?
STEPHANIE
His pulse. Check it.
PHOEBE
For chrissake, you want me to do
it?
JESSIE
You put your index and middle
finger on his wrist and feel for a
pulse.
STEPHANIE
I read the neck is a better
location for the pulse. Do it on
the neck Phoebe.
PHOEBE
I am not touching him. What if he
wakes up?
JESSIE
What do you mean what if he wakes
up? That would be a good thing?
PHOEBE
Jessie, you got an A in biology,
you do it.
JESSIE
I dissected frogs, not humans.
STEPHANIE
Please someone, someone do
something.
JESSIE
This is ridiculous. No one dies
from gluten cookies.
Jessie walks around behind the couch on which David lies.
She reaches down and places two fingers on David's neck.
A few beats.
STEPHANIE
Well?
JESSIE
I haven't found it yet.
STEPHANIE
Oh my god.
JESSIE
Stop getting upset, I'll find it.
Like I said no one dies of gluten
cookies.
PHOEBE
Yeah... good, so Jessie, where's
the pulse?
JESSIE
OK, so there is no pulse on this
side, but let me try this side.
Jessie shifts to the other side of David's neck.
PHOEBE
That's ridiculous. There's a pulse
on both sides of the neck.
STEPHANIE
Unless he is dead.
JESSIE
He's not dead. I'm telling you
he's not dead. No one dies from
gluten cookies.
A beat. A long beat. Jessie withdraws her fingers. A beat.
JESSIE (CONT'D)
What else was in those cookies?
STEPHANIE
What do you mean?
JESSIE
Well I'm sure it wasn't the gluten
that killed him?
STEPHANIE
What are you saying? You've given
up looking for the pulse?
JESSIE
I'm having a little difficulty.
PHOEBE
Like I said, Stephanie has a
situation.
STEPHANIE
We... WE have a situation. We are
all part of this.
Jessie walks back to the other side of the coffee tale.
JESSIE
I had nothing to do with this
murder.
STEPHANIE
Murder?
JESSIE
Yeah, and I have a million and one
things to do today.
STEPHANIE
You guys are just fucking going to
walk away? Walk away from your
best and most loyal friend in the
universe when she is most in need.
JESSIE
Look, Stephanie, you caught me on a
really bad day. If it was
yesterday, I'd be all here for you.
STEPHANIE
(starts to cry)
I can't believe this. This is
going to ruin my whole life. One
little mistake.
PHOEBE
Life is what happens to while
you're making other plans. That
was one of my favorite John Lennon
lyrics.
JESSIE
What song was that from?
PHOEBE
Beautiful Boy.
JESSIE
I prefer McCartney lyrics.
STEPHANIE
Will you guys stop talking about
the Beatles. Oh my god, you guys
are heartless.
PHOEBE
Oh Stephanie, for chrissake, I
wouldn't worry too much. There's
no death penalty in New York State.
STEPHANIE
Oh great.
JESSIE
And technically it's not murder.
Worst case scenario is
manslaughter. Maybe ten to fifteen
years max.
Stephanie stands and screams. Everyone freezes. Then
suddenly, David grunts and raises himself on the couch. A
long beat. Stephanie, Phoebe and Jessie freeze.
DAVID
Oh man, what happened? I have some
wicked headache.
David can barely sit up.
JESSIE
I told you he had a pulse. I just
couldn't locate it.
PHOEBE
So we are all good, Steph?
JESSIE
Yeah, I got to run.
PHOEBE
Love you Steph.
JESSIE
Yeah me too.
PHOEBE
So we are just going to go.
JESSIE
Yeah, see you tomorrow.
Phoebe and Jessie leave. Stephanie just looks at David. She
smiles. David is now sitting up.
DAVID
Hey, we have a lot of studying to
do.
STEPHANIE
Yeah.
DAVID
You got anything to eat.
Stephanie grabs the plate of cookies.
CUT TO BLACK.
No comments:
Post a Comment