Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Suri Cruise And Shiloh Jolie-Pitt Meet In Cyberspace

Wi-fi, wi-max, bluetooth, cell transmissions, satellite transmissions, ham radio packets, sonar, radar, cosmic rays, gamma rays and of course brainwaves all converged in one brief moment, intersecting with a few seconds of brilliant energy on the computer server that hosts the perezhilton.com website. And for that brief moment, the mind auras of Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt drifted through each other like two passing clouds. The moment, that precious ephemeral moment that characterizes lovers glancing at each other from two passing trains going in opposite directions, two lovers that never meet but know that they, if circumstance permitted, would be lovers – that moment, that brief moment occurred oddly in the microprocessers of the Dell server that hosts perezhilton.com.

Perez Hilton himself was sharp enough to catch it, and he was good enough to provide us with an exclusive transcript of the conversation that transpired between Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Though difficult to fathom that infants can communicate with the articulation relected in the following transcript, it is the opinion of Perez Hilton, a recognized authority on the gene pools of celebrities, that Suri and Shiloh are lovers to be, but not yet realized, if ever. The conversation was not in English, the language foreign to us, but Perez was able to translate it into something intelligible. Perez Hilton is familiar with the chaotic and encrypted linguistics of the Tom-Katie Cruise AND Brad-Angelina Jolie-Pitt brain-stream, and so was able to convert what others would consider infant gibberish into a readable conversation. Here is the translated transcript:

Suri: Lost.

Shiloh: Are you?

Suri: Yes.

Shiloh: Where would you be if not lost?

Suri: Safe. I would be safe.

Shiloh: You feel danger?

Suri: What is danger?

Shiloh: I don’t know.

Suri: You feel safe?

Shiloh: A man takes care of me. Occasionally a woman. The big soft things I suck on don’t work.

Suri: Many women come and go. Never the same one. No big soft things for me to suck on.

Shiloh: This is why you do not feel safe?

Suri: I don’t know.

Shiloh: Come with me.

Suri: I feel like … I feel like I want to.

Shiloh: The woman. The woman who cares for me. The one with the big soft things. She has plenty of others she cares for too. I hear them. They make noise. She could care for you.

Suri: Yes. Would that make me safe?

Shiloh: I don’t know.

Suri: Fear. Do you feel it?

Shiloh: Not sure. I think so. What is fear?

Suri: There is a man. He seems to be in control. He comes sometimes. He tells everyone what to do. He yells at all the women. He sticks a rubber thing in my mouth. He smiles at me and sticks that rubber thing in my mouth.

Shiloh: The woman with the big soft things, the one who cares for the others. She is in control. She is in control of things. She tells the man what to do. The man does what the woman with the big soft things tells him what to do.

Suri: I am confused.

Shiloh: Yes. So am I.

Suri: I am feeling it is about to end.

Shiloh: What?

Suri: You. You are growing fainter.

Shiloh: Yes. I see that.

Suri: Will it continue?

Shiloh: I don’t know.

Suri: I want you to stop. Stop growing faint.

Shiloh: I can’t stop it. I do not know why it is.

Suri: Will we ever? Again?

Shiloh: I’m scared. I think I know what this fear is.

Suri: I feel it too. I don’t want to be alone.

Shiloh: Until…

Suri: Until…

The conversation ended at that point. In the opinion of Perez Hilton, Suri and Shiloh will become lovers in this life or in some other life. May it be so.

Parodical thanks Perez Hilton for translating the infant gibberish and for providing us with an exclusive transcript of the conversation between Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

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