Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Harrison Ford Gets A Third Earring

Harrison Ford sat in the leather love seat next to Calista Flockhart. Harrison’s personal doctor sat behind the desk facing the two lovebirds.

“So you want another one?” asked the doctor.

“Yes. On the left side. The symmetry now bothers me,” said Harrison.

“Like me. See,” said Calista as she gently tapped her left ear lobe which contained two small gold hoop earrings.

“One on the right, two on the left, is that it?” asked the doctor.

“Yes,” said Harrison.

“Why don’t you just stop wearing an earring on the right side, then you will avoid the symmetry, as you say,” said the doctor.

“It’s just something I want to do,” said Harrison as he smiled at Calista. Calsita smiled back.

“I got to tell you, Harrison, that my kids love your movies,” said the doctor.

“That’s great,” said Harrison.

“But, you know, it is hard for them to see you, to see Indiana Jones and Han Solo with earrings,” said the doctor.

“It’s not really any of your children’s business, now, is it?” said Calista.

“No sweetheart. I understand what the doctor is saying,” said Harrison. Harrison turns to the doctor. “When I played those characters, they did not have earrings because that was not the character. Indiana Jones and Han Solo would not have worn earrings. But this is me. I think you can explain that to your children,” said Harrison.

“I tried. But they do not see the difference. They keep asking me, ‘Why does he want to wear earrings? Why does he want to wear earrings?’ they keep asking,” said the doctor.

“Is this really your kids asking? Maybe it is you who does not want Harrison to wear earrings,” said Calista somewhat irately.

“Well, I got to tell you, Harrison, that you look awfully silly with those earrings. I mean, maybe if you were twenty, but your over sixty for chrissake,” said the doctor.

“Look, doc, I can get this done somewhere else,” said Harrison.

“It’s the vanity. The vanity makes you weak,” said the doctor.

“This is ridiculous. We don’t have to sit here and listen to this.” said Calista. She turns quickly to the doctor. “You are so yesterday. A man wearing earrings is like a man wearing Nikes. It’s now a male thing,” said Calista.

“I am sure I am so yesterday, as you say. I am not up on the latest cultural trends. Hey, I still write letters rather than use email. But I bet no one has told you, Harrison, how absurd those little gold hoops look on your ears. They are all scared to tell you. But no one, I mean no one wants Harrison Ford wearing earrings. Just like I don’t want to see you in high heels,” said the doctor.

“Harrison, can we go? This guy is a Republican, right wing, homophobe. We do not have to put up with this incredible verbal abuse,” said Calista.

“I am not abusing Harrison and I am not a Republican, thank you. Harrison Ford represents a hero to me. Granted, it may all be fantasy. But nevertheless, if you are going to make your living at creating a symbol, a myth that people want to believe, then maybe a simple thing like dropping a fashion accessory might be a small price to pay to preserve that myth for the public,” said the doctor.

Calista glared at the doctor. Harrison listened patiently. The doctor continued.

“Harrison, I mean no disrespect, but you and the myths you have created represent everything that men stand for. And do not kid yourself. Those myths, those fantasies are important to our culture. And then you show up with goddamn earrings. It’s like James Bond in drag. It makes me uncomfortable,” said the doctor.

“Uncomfortable? See, you are a homophobe,” said Calista.

“Calista, please,” said Harrison as he turned to the doctor. “Doc. Look, we can have this discussion another time. Would you just add the other hole to my left ear, please,” said Harrison.

“Actually, I guess I should be happy. When you called to make this appointment, I thought you were going to ask for a facelift. So I guess I should be happy that this is just about an earring,” said the doctor.

“You do facelifts?” asked Harrison.

“Yes,” said the doctor.

“OK, well, let’s get started with the earring, shall we,” said Harrison.

“Yes, of course,” said the doctor.

The doctor gets up. “I will get the equipment,” said the doctor. He left the room, leaving Harrison and Calista alone.

“He is sort of an asshole, and I bet he is a closet Republican and god knows what else,” said Calista.
“He does facelifts,” said Harrison.

“He’s not touching my face,” said Calista.

“I was referring to mine,’ said Harrison.

Calista looks at Harrison. “You don’t need a facelift sweetheart. But maybe a nose ring,” said Calista with a smile.

“I have too many nose hairs to deal with,” said Harrison.

“Sweetie, you got hair on your ear lobes too,” said Calista.

“I do? Damn,” said Harrison.

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