Saturday, July 16, 2005

Jessica Simpson Chooses Islam Over Kate Moss

Jessica Simpson stood at the window of the one of the largest public relations firms in the world that specialized in celebrities. It was the forty-fourth floor facing north, and Jessica could see Central Park in Manhattan over the tops of the residential buildings lining Central Park South. Jessica was wearing a conservative dress, cut just above the knees with pumps. The dress was modest. And everything was black except for the white pearl necklace and pearl studs in her ear lobes. He hair was pulled back in a pony tail, and her face was glistening clean, her skin as smooth as a baby. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she was favoring her left leg, her right knee very slightly bent.
Behind Jessica sat Harvey. Harvey was fat, maybe about 270 pounds, and it was mostly soft flabby fat, not football or muscle fat. Even though the air conditioning was blaring on this hot summer day, Harvey was sweating. In fact, Harvey was always sweating, as if his body was trying to cool off in the heavy coat of adipose that covered it from his neck to his toes.
"I just don't understand it," said Jessica.
"She is interesting, Jessica, because she is bad," said Harvey.
"She's a drug addict, a sloppy slut that hangs out with drug addicts. She is unhealthy. She's constantly smoking. Frankly, I think she is disgusting," said Jessica.
"And yet she has multi-million dollar modeling contracts," said Harvey.
"I'm doing OK," said Jessica.
"People think you are stupid. People do not respect you like they respect Kate Moss," said Harvey.
"They don't respect Kate Moss," said Jessica.
"She has weight because she is bad. You have no weight because you are good. With weight comes respect," said Harvey.
"So how do I get weight?" asked Jessica.
"Well, you are not going to Harvard to get a degree. You do not compose music. You are not a published author. So the only thing left is for you to be bad. In some way. To be bad in some way," said Harvey.
"Forget it," said Jessica.
"You came to me for a consultation. This is my business. I now how the public thinks. They want celebrities that are both strong and weak, but somehow survive and still look good. The public thinks this is character, that it gives character. They want the scars to be there, and yet they want you to survive," said Harvey.
"Can I get scars without being bad. I mean not real scars. The symbolic ones you are referring to," said Jessica.
"How about a photo shoot that shows a possible bad side without you really being bad," said Harvey.
"I am not doing pornography," said Jessica.
"No porn. But something else. Something with weight,' said Harvey.
"Something with style," said Jessica.
"Maybe a photo shoot with American Marines. You dressed with class, not slutty. And the Marines dressed in full uniform,' aid Harvey.
"That sounds good," said Jessica as she turned to face the fat Harvey.
"I'll make some calls," said Harvey.
"But it would have to be real Marines. Not actors," said Jessica.
"Of course. Otherwise it wouldn't have weight," said Harvey.
“I’ll wear an American flag,” said Jessica.
“Madonna already did that,” said Harvey.
“I’ll wear red, white and blue colors,” said Jessica.
“Christina Aguilera just did that, along with like forty other people. Why don’t you wear the Iraqi flag, and then also dress like a Muslim woman,” said Harvey.
“What? In one of those sheets?” asked Christina.
“It would be controversial, which adds weight. Plus, you would show how a woman can be sexy in one of those headscarves, a hijab,” said Harvey.
“I wear scarves,” said Jessica.
“It’s more than a scraf. It wraps around your neck and can go down your shoulders. Maybe we can bang off a few shots with you just wearing a hijab,” said Harvey.
“If it’s not pornographic,” said Jessica.
“We would not show anything. That’s the point,” said Harvey.
“People might hate me,” said Jessica.
“The more hate you get from one sector, the more love you will get from another. And you will not apologize to anyone. That is weight,” said Harvey.
“Okie dokie,” said Jessica.
As the word weight came out of fat Harvey's fat lips, Jessica could only think that she was taking advise from someone nearly as disgusting as Kate Moss. But then, this was not her business. The advice sounded good. And that is what she wanted to remain: good.

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